A glance at our Hawaii Vacation

Hawaii was bliss!
If I wasn't so close to my family I told Dave we would sell everything and move there.
But for now (and forever) it will just be our vacation love.

We arrived in Hawaii on June 2nd.  My parents and niece met us there as we invited them to go with us.  We rented a condo in Makena which is a super nice part of Maui.  We love it there.  As a child my parents took us there several times so I was so excited to take my children there.  They loved it.  DAVE loved it.  As our Maui vacation was a graduation present from me to Dave when he finished his business degree I was so happy that Dave fell in love with this place.
It was great to have my parents there as they helped us out when Dave and I wanted to take a walk on the beach without the littles or go swimming in the ocean by ourselves.  It was great!
Not to mention my parents are super easy to get a long with and they know Maui so well.  It kinda felt like having our own tour guide because they are so well traveled when it comes to Maui.

So once we got in Hawaii, we waited about 45 minutes for my parents and niece to arrive. We all got lei'd at the airport (wowza...ha ha) and picked up our rental van, (we rocked the mini-van) and headed to Makena Surf.  The most awesome condo's in all of Maui.

Once we checked in and got settled we decided to take the girls down to the beach to see the ocean.  Now the girls weren't in their swimsuits but we let them get wet anyway.  They loved it.  I felt super bad for making them leave because they were having such an awesome time.
But we were all starving.
So we headed into a nearby town to eat.
There was a classic car show near the place we ate and Dave was in heaven.  I didn't have my camera with me so well...he didn't get any pictures other then with his phone.  But it was bliss for him.

After that we went to the store and bought food for breakfasts some lunches and a few dinners.

We rented a condo so we could be lazy and not have to leave if we didn't want to.  It was perfect.  Although nobody wants to cook on vacation it was wonderful to have home cooked meals, and lets face it, it's so much cheaper.

The next day was my birthday! YES!  I woke up to floods of texts from friends wishing me a happy day.  And my good friend Nat had let me know that she would be having her baby on my birthday.  I am so honored.

We decided to attend church at the local ward.  It was so wonderful.  I can't even express how my testimony of the Gospel was deepened by the members there.
(I'll have to blog that story another time)

After church we went home and got changed and went to upcountry Maui for a little Mexican food and some site seeing.  Beautiful!

The next day we were just lazy.  We hung out at the beach (right at the condo) all morning.  We later got ready and headed into Lahinia because I had booked us to attend the Luau there that evening.  We ate lunch at Bubba Gumps that day and then the Luau that night.
The food was amazing.

The next few days we spent lounging around at the beach and being beach bums.
And we were in heaven.

One day we decided to go to Hana.  IF you've heard of "the road to Hana" you've heard it's scary.  Well it wasn't too bad as they have made improvements to the road and expanded it as much as they could.  But I'm not going to lie there were moments that I peed my pants (okay maybe not but pretty close)  There's over 500 turns and 200 bridges in this 50 miles.  It took us about 3 hours to make it to Hana, and another 45 minutes to make it to the Seven Sacred Pools.  Then we decided to go the rest of the way around the island.  Most people don't go this way as it's not recommended because the roads aren't up kept very well and well it's actually kinda scary.  But it would have taken us a lot longer to go back the way we came...so we were up for the challenge.  I would always say to my mom who drove to "Honk" as she was going around the corner.  And one corner I said "You better honk mom, this is a scary one" so humoring me she did. IT SAVED US. Seriously on the other side was a car, and had we not honked we would have hit it.  So grateful.

The ride to Hana is amazing and beautiful.  It reminds me of what the Garden of Eden must have been like.  If Dave and I ever go back to Maui ourselves I would love to go do some hiking there. (and I'm not a nature person).

The rest of our trip was spent on the beach and like I've said...just being lazy.

It's always good to come home from vacation, but let's face it...I can't wait to go back....and well my skin is looking a little pale again.  I must remedy this.

SO enjoy the photos..which really is just a glimpse at our trip.

Before Church

Momma, Daddy and my niece Ashley (she just graduated from High School)

The stunning pathway to our condo

Wildlife in Upcountry Maui

Up Country Maui View

Luau

{Sigh} take me back please!

The best smelling flower in the world

He is so handsome!

My amazing parents

What I looked at every night.  View from our condo

I would wake up before the sun came up to bask in the Maui Morning

See the little boat out there.  LOVE

A little hike at the Seven Sacred Pools

The Seven Sacred Pools

My Beautiful Littles

A creeper! HA HA HA

Eucalyptus Tree HOW COOL!

I will catch up soon.

I have so much to blog about, but not a lot of time.

I can't wait to blog about our Hawaii trip, but for now I will leave you with 5 photos I will be making into huge canvas' in my home. 

Corinna Couture Photoshoot

I was asked to shoot the summer collection for Corinna Couture. 

I've shot for her last year so I was super excited to shoot for her again.

I haven't even broke the surface of this shoot, but I wanted to share a few of my littles. 

The Good and Bad

Okay I am going to admit it, I am a good photographer.  I am.  I have worked hard to be good.  I work on it every single day. But I am a horrible picture taker.

So let me explain.  I take great photographs of my clients and my children.  But when it comes to taking photos of my life, I suck.  Just to take pictures of every day things I am pretty rotten.
I envy my SIL's who are awesome at taking photos of their lives and all the awesome things they do, and me....heck if it's not posed I don't even try.
Which stinks really.
I think the reason that I don't take pictures of every day moments is because my camera is such a hassle to get out and set up.  I invested (if you can call it invested) in a little point and shoot thing when we went to Disneyland in January, and it takes HOrRIBLE pictures.  Seriously.  Although it's easy to use and quick, I cringe every time I look at the images so I just don't bother.

I need to get out of the rut.  My kids will grow up with lots of pictures of themselves looking pretty, but non-of them making messes.  BAD MOM!
{I'm scolding myself right now...}

A Theme Song

I always thought I was an adventurous person, and I honestly think I am in most areas of my life.  However I don't think I take chances when it comes to putting myself out there any more.  Unless it has to do with my photography I just kinda shy away from being in front of people.
I told you in my last post how I went and worked with that awesome photographer who I adore the other day right?  Well I told her that I was terrified to meet her because I was so fearful of what she would think of me by how I looked.  I find that I hold myself back from getting up in front of people like I used to because I am so ashamed of my body.  I am tired of it.  I am tired of this still over taking my life and I wish I could find the courage to knock down that wall.  I wish I could find the strength to be comfortable in my body.  But in the meantime I am going to try.
I love this song.  And I am going to take a part of it and attempt to allow it to inspire me and to knock down a few walls.

A Good Day

Yesterday I had a fabulous experience and opportunity  to work with one of my favorite photographers.  I had never met her prior to yesterday but just loved her work and her style.  I was thrilled to get the chance to spend some time with her. 

We had a fabulous day shooting and grabbing a little bit of food prior.  We chatted it up girl style and laughed....and you know me, I have an insanely loud laugh. (I did warn her of this prior)  After our play time we went back to her house and chatted it up some more.  We talked a lot of business and she was looking at my website.  She got to the page that is about me and she was saying how much she liked my picture of myself.  She could tell that I just kinda brushed it under the rug because I'm not confident in myself.  And then almost as if she was prompted she said "Do you not find yourself pretty?" 

I didn't want to cry but I did, and she cried with me. She had such compassion for me in the way she accepted me and allowed me to cry and when she cried with me I knew she understood my pain.  

Even through the tears it was a good day.  I enjoyed learning new things, gaining a new friend and being accepted even through my flaws. 

A Good Show

I was able to go out with my best friend Heather this past weekend for a girls night away.  We had such a fun time.  We stayed in a hotel, went to dinner (and lunch), went shopping, went to a movie and really just laughed.  But in this time we also had some pretty in depth conversations too.  I was talking to her about how I feel so horrible about myself and she was telling me things like "I always think you look so great" and "I've always admired how happy you are".  All I could say back is "Maybe I just put on a good show".  I do feel like I am a naturally happy person, but I don't understand how I can be so 'happy' when I am not happy.  Am I just a really good actress that even I believe the play or is this just natural?
When I was in therapy I had someone to talk about my feelings with, and now all I have is my blog.
So if any of you still read this...do you think it's natural to be a happy person but not be happy with who you are?

Not FITTING In.

I know I've talked about it before, but I am really struggling with body image.

I remember sitting with my former therapist Michelle as I was a few months away from wrapping up my treatment and talking about body image with her.  She gave me this warning.  "Kandis, it might not ever come (referring to accepting my body) if it doesn't will you be okay with it?"  I remember saying to her, "I don't know."  Then a month or so later I told her "I don't care if my body is perfect anymore, I just want to be able to be healthy and look in the mirror and be okay with who I see."  Well I am not okay with what I see.  2 years, 2 Months and 4 days ago was the last time I purged.  Yesterday was the first day I said out loud to Dave, I just want to purge again.  The only time I've ever been skinny was when I was purging.  

I hate the way I feel, I hate that my body looks the way it does.  I hate that I am the heaviest I've ever been.  I hate that my body aches when I try to do things I used to do.  I hate that my body aches just walking.  I hate that one of the only reasons I want to have a baby is so I can have an excuse for my body. 

I hate that Ava tells my my belly is big.  I hate that I am envious of my friends.  I hate having to meet new clients because I am afraid of them judging me.  I hate my body. 

The feelings I am having right now are the same feelings I had when I turned to purging years ago.  

Maybe putting this out there will stop me, maybe not.  I don't know.  Where is the magic wand to make it better?  

Lifetime Movie Network = No Sleep

If there is one thing I am it's a night owl.  I work late to get business done, but last night was different.  I had to batch some photos for the web so once I got that started all I could do is wait for them to get done.

So I got comfy on my couch and watch a movie that was on Lifetime.

I shouldn't have done that.

While the movie was interesting and I enjoyed it, it kept my mind active.

When I decided it was probably time to go to bed, albeit 1:00am, my mind was still kinda racing.

So I laid there and listened to the sounds in my house for a minute thinking I would hear a rhythm that would eventually allow me to fall asleep.  NOPE.  So then I started counting backwards from 100, I would get to 70 and forget stop counting every time because my mind started thinking about the movie again.  So I would start over.   I restarted 5 times. 

Then I decided that I would focus on breathing.  I listened to my breathing only to find that it was not soothing, but annoying.  So what do you think I did?  I went back to the couch and turned on another Lifetime Movie, this time it worked....I conked out.  The next thing I know is I am back in my bed.  I must have subconsciously went back to my room.

Morning came all too soon and I realize how lame I am to stay up so late as I have no time to rest.  But like I always say "I can sleep when I'm dead." 

I am who I am.

I find myself trying so hard to impress people who will never acknowledge me allowing me to give myself the chance to impress them.  That's a character flaw that I am pretty sure I will never change.
I've tried many times to do it, and you know what? Over and over again I find myself doing it again.
I find myself in the depths of trying to impress those who don't know I exist or that don't even have any interest in me.
I think that is my blogging problem.  I feel as if I should only blog things that are of interest or that will spark people to comment.  I feel as if I should only put out there what I want to impress people with, but behind all this I just want to post how I feel and not to suppress all that I really am.
We all want to be validated and that is my biggest character flaw, I NEED to be validated.  
Unfortunately this is my down fall, this is my biggest weakness.
I find myself wanting to invest in friendships that have no loyalty or real reason to invest in me.
I find myself wanting to impress those who don't impress easy. 
I find myself not showing all the little things that really makes me, me.
I have been so worried with how others would perceive me that I feel that I am really not being authentic.


Yes I know; like I said, this is a character flaw.  But I figure the only way to fix it is to try a little harder to be me authentically and I will grow to love me more and not need the validation of others to feel of worth.