Homemade Chicken Noodle Soup

 I love homemade chicken noodle soup.
My girls love this stuff too.

My mom used to make this when we were growing up and the noodles are heaven!
I make double the noodles because they are so good.

I don't have a specific recipe for this, I just kinda make it now so I will do my best to give you a good recipe.

Chicken!
Cook it, and cut it up.  However much chicken you like in your soup.  A couple cups will do.

Next...
Onions, Celery, Carrots
A cup or two of each will do.

 Put your chicken and veggies in a pot, fill with chicken stock and water.  I like using chicken stock instead of just water for added flavor.

Bring it to a boil...
In the meantime.

Make your noodles.

Needed:
Flour
Eggs
Salt
Milk
and I like to add a little bit of garlic season...ranch packets are good and so is lemon pepper.

A couple cups of flour, 1-2 eggs, Milk, a dash of salt and a bit of seasoning.

Mix it all together to make a dough.
Sometimes you will need to add more flour or milk.
You can't mess it up.

 Flour a surface and allow a rag-a-muffin child to help you roll out the dough
1/8 inch thick is good.

Use a pizza cutter to cut into noodle strips.

Add raw noodles into hot, mildly boiling soup and allow to cook for about 10 minutes or so.
The noodles do not take long to cook.

Serve in a pretty bowl and watch the steam rise.

It's so yummy!

I will be making this again tonight!
It's fall ya'll!

Home from Vacay

I just got home about 2 hours ago from a 8 day vacation.  It was lovely!
We had a glorious time!
HOWEVER!
I gained nearly 6 pounds on our cruise!
6 pounds.
I would like to personally thank the Chocolate Melting Cake that I could not pass up every night.
Actually one night after dinner I said this...and I quote "I WILL NOT EAT THE CHOCOLATE MELTING CAKE TOMORROW NIGHT" That was the biggest lie I have ever told.  I couldn't hold back, I ate the cake.  I would be hanging my head shamefully but that cake was so good.
So I am back home and back on the wagon again.  Hopefully those pounds will come off as fast as I put them on.


When we got home we were greeted by our beautiful girls who missed us so much.  All Ava wanted to do was hug me, and let's face it...I loved every moment of the hugging.
It is bliss holding my babies.
They are now currently in the bath and chose dad over me for this task so I decided to take some time to blog.

There is nothing like home.
I walked it and it smelt wonderful, just like home.
It's great to be home.

I vow to be cooler.

So Dave and I just went on a 7 day cruise with my sister in law Janet and her hubby Sean.  It was great fun!  Actually we were gone for 8 days because we spent one night in California prior.  AND if I am being honest we still are not home.  I am currently blogging from the Long Beach Airport as we await our flight home.  Excited to see my girls anyway..but that's besides the point...Back to the reason for posting.  While gone I realized something...I am pretty cool...I know braggy right? but it's true, I live a pretty great life and I do lots of fun stuff daily.  I laugh at myself all the time.....and I realize that I don't share much of that here.  So I am going to attempt (key word attempt) to let you all in on me being much cooler here on this little piece of the web known as my blog.

Do I know what I am going to post?  YES! My life.  The comings and goings of Kandis.  This may or may not included daily posts (if I'm feeling up to it) sometimes I might post more then once because I feel like it.
I might post about the crafts I make around my house.  The dinners I cook, the close I bought, the baths I take...the sadness I may feel that day or the joy I feel too.
I feel strongly that this is something  I need to do for me and I think there's a few of you out there who need it too.  I think I have a good story to tell.

So I am actually excited this will be great.  I can feel it.

Working through it with photography

We all know that I suffer from major self esteem issues and I am working through them.  One way I have been working through them is through my photography.  I know it sounds silly but it's true.
I have always known that I didn't go through my eating disorder for myself, but I went through it so I could help other women.
I know that those trials and THESE trials now have been set before me so I could learn.  I know that I am supposed to help other women see how beautiful they are.
Women today suffer from feeling not good enough.  I know, I've been there.  HECK I am still there.  But as I really sit down and think about the goodness of the women that have been placed in my life I can truly see how beautiful they are.  There's so many things that makes my girlfriends, my mother, my sisters beautiful and it's not just on the outside.  They are truly beautiful.
When I am stop and look for these things it honestly helps me to look for things in myself that I can honor and say "that's awesome, I am beautiful"

For example: I love my eyes.  I think they are a very pretty green. I have great eye-lashes.
I love my laugh.  It's hardy and robust.  I love my calf muscles, the years of dance have allowed me to keep my great legs...short as they may be, they are great.
We all can find things in us that makes us beautiful.

And so with this I am launching photo sessions called Real Women, Real Models.  This is to celebrate women and to honor those things that we love.  To find the beauty in us and to display it proudly.
It's time we take TIME for us!
This is our time to show the world that the imperfect is perfect.  It's our time to shine.

My sessions include hair and makeup by some amazing artists to help you feel your most beautiful and to bring out your most beautiful and natural features.
And beyond that we get to go hang out.  Just a day with the girls.
SO MUCH FUN!

I am excited and looking forward to all the women who will decide it's time for them!
I'm excited to meet them and to celebrate womanhood.

11 years ago.

Today marks 11 years that the terrorist attacks happened.
I can very clearly remember where I was.

Dave and I had only been married a few months and we were living in a dark bottom floor apartment in Magna.
My sweetie had went to work that morning and I didn't have a job yet.  I was sleeping in our bed when he called me telling me to turn on the t.v because a plane had just hit one of the towers of the World Trade Center in New York.  I was ornery at him because I didn't care (really because I didn't understand) but I turned on the t.v.  I remember reaching over to our forest green hand-me-down dresser where our t.v sat and flicked it on.  At the moment the picture came to view the second tower was struck.  I thought I was watching a replay but then I realized I wasn't.
I didn't know what to make of it.  I didn't understand it.  I sat up in my bed and continued to watch as I began to realize that this wasn't okay.  Then I heard the news of the pentagon, and the plane that went down in the field and really began to be scared.  It felt as if nothing was safe anymore.
It was only in May that I was on a plane going to and coming home from Europe and now I didn't want to ever get on a plane again.
But it wasn't just getting on a plane, it was going anywhere.  Nobody seemed safe.

That night I remember clinging to my husband and crying as we talked about what happened.  I was terrified to bring my children into a world where this was happening.

I often think about that.  I think that my children will never know the world pre-9-11.  They will never know what it is like to go to the airport gates and wait for your loved ones.  They will never know the freedom we have felt so stripped of sense then as now this is the normal.

I have yet to forget what I felt that day.
I have yet to forget what I felt in the days following.
I remember feeling like everyone was a little prouder to be an American and we all were so grateful for our country and our families.
Now it feels like we are divided down the middle.

Although I didn't know anyone personally who was in the towers or in any of the planes, I was changed.
Today as I reflect back on that day I realize just how lucky I was as many lost loved ones and many lives were devastated.

I will always remember.

My Sweetest Elle.

Elle is by far the sweetest kid I know.  I'm not saying this because she is mine, but because honestly she really is. 

She always wants to do her best and she gets extremely heartbroken when she does something wrong, breaks a rule, or disappoints someone. 

She has the sweetest comments and she has such compassion for so many.

Elle wants more then anything to love everyone and to be liked. 

As pure and sweet as Elle is she has so much wisdom. 

She is very spiritual and has some very deep thoughts when it comes to faith. 

She has a lot of faith.  She loves Jesus and her Heavenly Father. 

Elle often will say to me "Mom, you're so pretty.  I think you don't ever need to put on makeup, you're so pretty without it."  

{make your heart melt.}

The other day at school a new friend cut off a little lock of her hair.  Elle was heartbroken.  She loves her long hair. 

As we were talking to her about it at dinner she said "I am still going to be her friend, because sometimes people just make bad choices."

I am so proud of her.  She is amazing.  When I grow up I want to be like her. 

A few thoughts.

I have always loved a good quote.  I don't know if it's the wanna be poet in me that I know I would never be or the sappy person I am.

But I have a few quotes I have came across that I just simply have to share. (to the few people who actually read my blog)

"The most important work you and I will ever do will be within the walls of our own homes."
-Harold B. Lee

"If you want your children to improve, let them overhear the nice things you say about them to others."
-Dr. Haim Ginott

"The art of mothering is to teach the art of living to children."
-Elaine Hefner

And then there is this one that I adore in every single way!
I hope I can be the type of mom who my children watch.

And you know how much I love to laugh...well I am hoping I never grow old then.

Elective Surgery

So I've decided to do it.  In November (at least I am planning on November) I will be having some elective surgery.
Although this surgery is not medically important for me to have, it is emotionally important for me to have done.
I will be getting some work done on my stomach...(yes you can put the pieces together)
I have a wedding I have to photograph the Saturday after Thanksgiving and hopefully that next week I will be getting this stomach taken care of.
SO I may be calling on a few of you good friends to sit with me while I moan about the most horrible pain and I will probably even say something like "why on earth did I do this."  BUT alas I am going to do it.  So the rumors when you hear them will be true...Kandis is going to have plastic surgery.

Oh and enjoy these few pictures of Ava.....the craziest child ever!

Forgiveness.

I have been badly wronged twice in the last two months. 

One has been by someone I love and the other by someone I don't know. 

I have to forgive. 
I have to let it go. 
I have to move on.

I have lost a lot of sleep over these two situations.
I have harbored some ill feelings.
I have allowed these wrongs to start to make me feel ugly and so I feel like I really am turning into a bitter ugly person.

Is that who I want to be? No.
I want to be known as the happy person.
Because...I am a happy person.
So I believe that forgiveness is key.

I must be able to forgive so I can be happy.
And for me to be happy I have to be forgiven and I can't be forgiven if I don't forgive. 

So for today I am letting it go.  {we shall see how tomorrow goes...and I pray the ghosts don't come back}

Where can I turn for peace?

It's no secret if you're a reader here on my blog that you've discovered that I've hit an emotionally rough spot as of lately.

I am not a glass half empty type of person I do like to look for the positive in things, but lately it's harder to see the good in my life.

But I do know one thing and I do know one place I can turn for peace and that is to my Savior.  I know he understands my hurt and I know he is the only one that can take it from me as I try to cope with the feelings of not being enough.

I am grateful I have a relationship with my Savior Jesus Christ.

That is all I wanted to say today.
God is good.

In the Road.

I don't know how many times I have learned this, but it happens often to me.  Many times when I am feeling down and defeated God puts people in my road to lift me up. 
I am so humbled by the outpouring of love I have received in the last few days. 

Yesterday I opened my email to this and it warmed my heart and filled my soul. 

Kandis, 
I know you probably get a million e-mails a day, but I still wanted to send you one to let you know how moved and inspired I was by your blog. Your photography is beautiful and stunning and you can tell through your art and your words in your blog that you really worked hard to get where you are today. But it was your blog that I really found moving. You're so incredibly open and honest with your stuggles and your accomplishments. I am a very new fan to your page but last night I found myself going through pages and pages of your blog. I came across your most recent blog today about your personal photographs and I wanted to say you look STUNNING. I don't know you personally but through your words you seem to be a beautiful person, inside and out. I am just starting out in photography and am so happy to have found your blog and your fan page. I look forward to following your photography and personal journey. I know the internet can be a nasty place where people are not always kind, so for what it is worth, I think you are beautiful and that your love for helping others, being happy and having a good spirit really do make you one of a kind. 
I look forward to buying your awesome actions next month for my birthday as well! So thank you in advance for helping me with my business, by creating these actions for others!!
You rock, don't ever change,

Meghan

I am grateful for the people people who 'go for it' and play chicken with you...standing in your road and brings you to a stop...allowing you to realize that what you are doing is noticed and they care. 

I am grateful for those who have taken the time to send me words of encouragement and love.  For those who care enough to let me know. 

Over the last 4 days I really thought about quitting my business.  I thought, "is this worth it? All that it ever seems is that I can't do enough good."  But then God sends me people to remind me that I am doing enough. 

I feel bad.

Last night I got a email. It was from a Facebook fan of mine who I have never met.
I have had communications with this fan in the past and she was very vocal on my page for awhile.

In this email she expressed how I have wronged her.

I don't want to go into the particulars of the email, however I do have a few thing I wanted to blog about.

In my years I have never intentionally meant to 'blow' anyone off,  to forget about someone, to come across uncaring or cold.  I have made mistakes personally and professionally.  Do I mean to?  No.  Am I human? Yes.
Every day I ask myself "how can I do better today?"  I know I fail at this.

I have to admit that I didn't follow through with one thing that I told this person I would do, and there is seriously no good reason other then I am lame I guess.  I have had great intentions on doing so but this summer I just wasn't moving at a good pace.

Sometimes as humans we let other people down with no good explanation why, but that doesn't mean we have some personal agenda or some personal vendetta.

To all those who I have let down, I am sorry.
I shouldn't put that much on my plate that it falls through the cracks.

I am not the type of person to want to get into confrontation or to hurt peoples feelings and if I have done that to you know that I my intentions really do come from a good place and I don't venture into something wanting to let you down.

I feel bad I have let so many people down.
It seems I fail more times then I don't.

Me.

Back in July my friend Camilla did some photographs for me.  I will tell you it's extremely awkward for me to be in front of the camera.  Although it was fun, I think I will stay behind the camera.

Here's some of my favorites. 

Jealousy

I have many personality traits that makes me unique.  I am loyal, friendly, talkative, outgoing, funny (so I think), caring, compassionate, and so many more.....one the one trait I want to talk about today that I find so me and so horrible is I am a jealous person!  I KNOW RIGHT?! IT'S SO BAD!

There is a photographer and I really enjoy looking at her work, but I'm not jealous of her work.  It's not my style and I don't want to photograph the way she does....but I am so stinking jealous of her I can't stand it.

And honestly it's pretty pathetic.  Because I don't think we would ever be friends in real life.  (We are Facebook friends) I find the stuff she posts kinda off putting and self centered, BUT I ENVY IT!
I envy the people she hangs out with, the food she eats, the clothes she wears.  It's bad!
I think why I think it's so bad because she drives me insane with her self worship, but it is so captivating.

I did meet her once and she didn't give me the time of day.  I wanted to shout.  "DUDE, WE ARE FACEBOOK FRIENDS, ACKNOWLEDGE ME WITH AT LEAST A HEAD NOD!" But of course I didn't.  Instead I gushed to my other friends about how much that drove me insane.  BUT her life seems like everything.
Her life seems so fabulous, so awesome, so beautiful, so EVERYTHING.
Why am I so jealous?
I have a great life.
I know I know, I shouldn't feel this way.

Please say I am not the only one with serious jealousy issues.

Facebook Spy

One thing I don't love so much is a Facebook Spy.
This is what I mean by a Facebook Spy.

You friend me on Facebook.  We never talk...that's okay, yet I see all your status' and you see mine.
I notice your life, because well it is somewhat amusing and I honestly notice people.
Then one day I see a post and the the next moment I go looking for it again only to realize that you have now blocked me from seeing your posts, pictures, wall, etc in your privacy settings (just so you know I am kinda Nancy Drew and know things like this).  But yet we are still friends.  THIS IS A FACEBOOK SPY.  You don't want someone to see what you are up to, but you're not really wanting to de-friend because well you are a spy.

Yeah this bothers me.

If you want to be my friend on Facebook, I welcome you (if you're not a creeper) but if you only want to be my friend to spy on my life and have no interest in allowing me to see what is going on in yours...well then I don't really think we should be Facebook friends.

The end.

Beaten Down

I have felt pretty beaten down over the last 3 days.  My soul has felt crushed and I have felt that I have nothing more to offer. 

But through it all I know that God is sending messages to me to know that I am not as worthless as I feel. 

I met up with my dear friend Christina who lives in Hawaii.  She is here visiting.  I did a session with her and I took this image. 

My heart is so full with the feedback I have gotten from it.  On Facebook this photo has been viewed almost 80,000 times.  It has over 3,000 likes and over 800 positive comments. 

The comments are so meaningful and thoughtful.  This image is touching peoples hearts and lives and it makes me think that even though I am going through a rough patch feeling unwanted, and worthless, that something I am doing is touching souls around the world. 

Hurt

Today I feel sad, hurt, ugly.
I thought things were going so good oh how I have been foolish.

I am not sure I will ever be good enough, thin enough, pretty enough.

Don't tell me that those who love me the most don't care, that's a lie.

I would rather not be alive then feel so heartbroken, beaten down and empty.

I don't know how to go on like this.  IS it worth it?

{cryptic? possibly.   Do I care?  No}

Checking In

I have had so much I've wanted to blog about but I've been so busy preparing for my retreat coming up in a few days.
So I am simply just checking in..to let you know that I still plan on blogging...I'm not going on the fritz like I did last time.

Oh and I made this broach bouquet for my retreat.
Isn't it fun?! I love it!

A new journey (or a start over)

This blog post is personal and a little scary to write because it will take me back to some dark times, but I feel it is important for myself to blog it and put this out there as to intercept something before it starts.

Okay so I've recently talked about my body image struggles and how I just want to feel bad about myself and so I've decided maybe it's time that I can do something about it and seriously talk about it without having eating disorder talk in my head.

So first let me start at the beginning for those of you who don't know my story and forgive me if my thoughts are scattered.

I grew up dancing, and I loved it.  It was such a huge part of me and I was able to have so many amazing experiences dancing.  I traveled the world extensively and met so many amazing people from various countries.

I also have always been very outgoing and social.  Part of my social and outgoing nature is being a people pleaser as well as making sure I am liked by everyone.  It is also so very important to me to impress people and to become better each day at something then I was the day before.
I can't tell you how extremely important it is for me to be excepted and well liked.  This is a very core personality trait.

Now that you know this I can start my story.

As I said I grew up dancing and I think I was good at it.
Now I am 4 '11 which for a dancer isn't tall...heck for not a dancer it isn't tall.  So what I'm short.  That I've always been comfortable with and have excepted it.  No big deal.
However not everyone excepts that as a dancer.
There were many instances in my life that I was told that I was the "awesome chubby dancer" or "we won't take anyone larger then you" or "we need to remember to add an inch to Kandis' measurements because she always gains weight." or "because your daughter is short, her weight really show's" the last one was a reason I didn't make my PUBLIC high schools drill team.
The stories go on and on.  And I finally decided that I didn't want to not be able to do something because of my weight, or be talked about poorly because of my weight.  This is when I started a battle with bulimia.
After I met my husband he filled a hole in my soul that had been torn open by these comments.  And the eating disorder behaviors 'went' away, albeit temporary.
After I had my Elle I remember seeing pictures of me from her 1st birthday and I was so embarrassed.  How had I let myself get like this.
So I started exercising and eating well.  I was losing weight and people noticed.  People were commenting all the time on how good I looked.  It felt so good.  So I had to step up my game.  It seemed that I only ever heard comments in my life about my weight.  Good or bad.  This obviously wasn't the truth, but to me it's what I saw.
After a few months of doing well I hit a wall and couldn't go any further.  So needless to say I fell back into eating disorder patterns.  It got really bad.  So bad that I couldn't stop.
I was confronted by a friend and forced to get help.
I was extremely sick but didn't realize how sick I was.
I was in outpatient treatment for 4 years.
At year 3 of treatment I realized that I wanted to get better and I started taking treatment serious and really working on getting healthy mentally.
It has been  2 years 4 months and 28 days since I've purged last!
The last two years have been hard.
I have had moments where I have really thought about going back to purging.
I have had moments when I have hated myself so bad.

I used to have an extremely hard time hearing anyone talk about food or weight.
I would get extremely uncomfortable.  Especially in church.  I think church is the worst.  The women always are talking about weight and numbers and "oh I was so bad last night, I had a piece of cake."  I want to smack them.  But I am now in a place where the talk and the numbers don't bother me as long as they are healthy talk.

For a long time I had asked my family to never mention calories, or weight around me because it was a trigger for me.  It no longer is.

However now I am at a place where I am extremely unhappy with myself.  You see I have avoided the scale for 5 years.  I don't know what I weighed before I had Ava or after I had Ava.
As I have been in recovery I have had to learn that foods aren't bad, but we can make bad choices on how much we eat.  Whereas before there were bad foods.
Learning this I have gained a lot of weight.  I got on the scale finally after so long and I am pretty sure I have never weighed this much in my life.
I am not happy with this.
So I have decided to do something about it.
BUT I have tried to do something about it before and look where that got me.
So knowing my personality and knowing that I am a people pleaser I thought that I would start a challenge for fellow photographers.  There's so many of us who hide behind our cameras because we are ashamed of our bodies.  I am tired of this.
I knew if I started a challenge for others that I would have to follow through. (part of my personality, I can't back out).  So that is what I have done.

So I am on a path to a healthy life.  Now I don't care if I'm thin, I just want to be happy.  I don't look at this as a diet, but a life style change.

And now the reason I am posting this on my blog is not for a "hey look at what I am doing" but for a reason for me to be 'in check'.  If I put it out there to others that I am on this path I now have a reason not to revert to eating disorder behaviors because now I feel like everyone will know.

With that wish me luck.  I might have days that I fail, but it's okay I think I can do this.

Eight is Great

Well, today is the day...Elle turned 8.  

She has been so cute for the last several weeks, asking all sorts of questions. 

She has asked me about her birth story after she over heard me talking to my Mother-in Law about it. 

It was such a sweet moment to sit with her and tell her about what happened to us both.  

When I told her that I prayed to our Heavenly Father that he could take me and leave her she cried. 

She hugged me and she really understood what it meant.  She then thanked me for being her mom. 

It was kinda like a pay day.

Elle has a little scar on her foot from all the IV's from her birth and I have told her it's because she was sick when she was a baby.  Well after telling her about her arrival she looked at the scar on her foot and touched it.  She didn't say anything, but I know what she was thinking. 

Elle is such a kind little girl.  Always willing to help out other children.  She is so sweet and tenderhearted.  She loves to give compliments and let's not joke...she loves to receive compliments too. 

One thing I love the most about Elle is there is nothing she doesn't think she can't do.  Seriously nothing.  The world has no boarders.  She still believes that she can be a real life princess when she grows up.  She has no doubt in the world that if she makes a video and sends it in to Disney Channel that she will be picked to be a featured dancer on Shake It Up.  SHe has no limits on what is possible for her to become and what she wants to be.  I love that about her.  I think we can all take a lesson from her. 

Elle really wants to be smart and read big books and write long sentences.  She is a little delayed in that area but she tries so hard.  She is getting better and better every day.   I am so proud of her for her determination.  

Most of all I am simply the luckiest mom. (I know we all think this)  But Elle is a 1 in a million.  She is so sweet and so kind and is more concerned for everyone around her then herself.  She is a beautiful little girl growing up to fast into a beautiful little lady. 

Yikes

Oh my goodness, I have been looking at some of my work (photography) from a few years ago and I am SOOOO embraced.  I thought I was good and man, I was NOT.
I can't believe the out of focus, bad lighting, over processed, (hello eyes) pictures I was so proud of.

Oh my goodness.  When I compare my old work to my current work I am in awe of how far I have come.  But It has been a lot of work.
Anyway, just saying that it takes a lot of hard work and long hours to grow and get better.
So to all of those out there doubting themselves, keep at it. Practice everyday!

What should I say?

 I get emails like this all the time and find that I just ignore them because I don't know what to say.

I get emails with this similar phrase all the time:

"I love your photography and I was hoping that you would take some pictures of me."

Then a variety of statements follow.  (Here's some of my favorites)


"I can't pay you anything, but you can use the photos for advertising" UM.....UMM.....HMMMM?! Say what?

"Would you be willing to do a partial trade?  I could pay  you $25.00 and then I could give you a $25.00 gift certificate to my Etsy Shop"
UM NO!

"I was hoping you would want to do trade, I make tutu's for dogs and I saw you have a dog"
H NO!

One time I got this.

"I am in love with your work and was hoping to set up an appointment to have some pictures taken. How much do you charge?"

So I responded with my price and this was her reply

"Well, that's a lot more then I was thinking, but I would be willing to if I could bring my camera with me and my daughter and you could show me how to take some good pictures of her after or before my shoot.  Because I have a nice camera and I just don't know why mine aren't turning out as good as yours.  If you could do that then I will book with you a shoot for myself."

Me...no response.  I didn't know what to say to it!

And here is my favorite one.

"I'm getting married and was wondering your prices?"

So I responded back and this was the response I got...NO LIE.

"I love your photography, you are just out of our budget.  But I was wondering if I let you use my camera I have a Canon Rebel XSI if you would give us a discount."

FLABBERGASTED!

What would you have done?

I tend to ignore these kind of questions because well they aren't worth my time and I would rather snuggle my littles then respond.

But I should probably say something, just not sure what with trying to stay nice and all.

Okay that's all.

Friendship

I have been extremely blessed to have so many wonderful people in my life at various times who have been great, wonderful friends.

I have found that throughout my life many friendships have come and gone and come back again.  Some have come and stayed awhile and slowly faded.
Some have come quick and left just as quick.
Some friendships have come slowly and left slowly.
While a few friendships have come and stayed.

As I  have reflected back on the different friendships that have graced my life I have had various emotions.  Some I am sad that we are no longer in touch or as close as we were, others I am grateful that we are no longer in touch, while others I am happy that our friendship has meant so much that we are still friends.

While looking back I have realized that there has been a season for all friendships.  That even how brief they have been I have learned something from them. And hopefully they learned something from me.
In all my friendships I have learned lessons good or bad but all has left an imprint on my life.



Today I was thinking about some friendships that I have had in my life that have meant so much to me but now they only mean so much to me because of what we had and not what we now have.
Because if I am honest some of my friends because I was friends with them now, I would not be friends with them now.  We are far to different and our views are different and our lives are different and we are different.

One major thing I have learned is that I am extremely loyal, but being loyal is draining.  As I have learned that MOST people do not put much weight in friendships and I do.  And to be honest I don't have time or strength to nurture and invest in people and friendships that don't want to invest in me as a friend back.

To me friendship is important.  I enjoy having friends to call up and talk to.  I love having the ability to chat someones ear off.  I love being able to go to lunch, or a girls night out.  These moments are important to me.  It's important to me to have a life outside my family and my business.

As I have been analyzing my approach to friendships I have realized that 75% of the time I am the one that instigates the friendship.  I am the one that makes the effort to call.  I am the one that makes the effort to set up the get together.  And let's face it, I am tired of it.

All I want is friends who will want to put as much in it as I do.
I will continue to be the friend that I want to have, but I hope I have the kind of friends who will want to be that kind of friend back.  And if not, that's okay too and that is when the friendship fades.  {sad but true}

Okay that's all.

Weighing In

I am now at a place in my life where I feel like I can try to get healthy without too much ED in the way. 
Although I did have a meltdown the other night most times I do really well with dealing with what goes in inside my crazy head. 


But I wanted to share these statistics with you. 

8 million people in the US suffer from an ED (eating disorder)

90% are women/girls

8 out 10 women are not happy with their reflection

80% of children are afraid of being fat

more than 50% of 10 year old girls wish they were thinner

Americans spend more than 40 billion a year on diet and beauty products

The average American woman is 5'4" and 140 pounds

The average American model is 5' 11" and 117 pounds

In your lifetime 50,000 people will die as a direct result of their Eating Disorder

The current media ideal of thinness is achieved by less than 5% of the female population

The one that scares me the most is 80% of children are afraid of being fat. 
Do you understand what that means?  That means the cycle of distorted body image and battles with eating disorders will start over again.


We as women put so much pressure on ourselves that it is reflected in our children and I would lie if I said that my children weren't victims of this.  But I see it in my children too.  It scares me. 


So I think I am going to start something big...something to change this. 
I'm not ready to say what it is yet, but when I do I hope it's successful and I can help hang this kind of thinking. 

Midnight Snack.

I have to blog this, because I think if I say it out loud {well to the world} it will stop me.

I stay up late editing, and well I was so hungry.  SO HUNGRY because well....I told myself I couldn't eat anything after a specific time.  And let's face it, I'M HUNGRY.  So I fixed myself a snack while I edit.

I WANT TO PURGE SOOOO BAD.  I feel so horrible.
I haven't felt like this in a long while.
So I thought if I said it out loud {although nobody is reading my blog at 12:15am} I may just know that people would know...it might stop me.  It has to stop me.  IT HAS TO!

That's why I am blogging this.

Elle's turning 8.

I can't believe my Elle will be 8 years old in a few weeks.  It makes me sad.
I have really enjoyed every stage of her life.  I just look back at how fast these last 8 years have gone and I get sad.  I get sad because I imagine in another 8 years she will be 16.  She will be going on her first date and driving a car.  Then in 8 more years she could be married and have a family of her own and well if I'm honest I don't want that to happen.  Not that I don't want to EVER happen, I just want to shelter her and protect her and keep her little for as long as I can.
She is such a joy to me and our family and I feel so blessed.

Elle has decided to be baptized a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints when she turns 8.  It's something she wants to do and we have talked to her about.   She really is understanding what it means to be baptized and she is excited to be a member.  But for me it is hard.
Don't get me wrong I am so thrilled she wants to get baptized but I am sad because now she gets to make the choice for herself.  It means she's accountable.  I don't want her to be accountable yet.
I want her to stay little forever.

I really have enjoyed all the stages of her life and I need to enjoy this stage too.

I was reading in my journal about Elle's birth story the other day after talking to my Mother-In-Law about it and I realized what a complete miracle Elle's life is and that I was given the second chance too.
I can't imagine what she would have gone through if I would have died.  That is heartbreaking for me to think about but I would like to share it with those who really have never heard the story.

We have infertility and have had to go through treatments to get both of our girls and so that's where it starts.  It was a tough road to get pregnant with Elle, but we were so excited when we found out we were.  We were building our home and now a new baby, life was bliss.
At week 28 I was diagnosed with preeclampsia and ordered to bed rest for the remainder of my pregnancy.  Let's face it, it was horrible.  My blood pressure was sky high so my doctor admitted me to the hospital.  He was just going to keep me in the hospital until my due date (I was 35 weeks) but decided that he needed to induce me anyway.
So the next day they started me into labor.  Well my labor was slow but painful.  So they decided to give me my epidural early.  It was bliss.
BUT come 8:00pm it was wearing off and I could feel the contractions on my left side and the self doses weren't working.  So I called the nurse in and the anesthesiologist came in to give me more medication.

The anesthesiologist gave me a direct dose into the line as well as filled the bag with the epidural medication and left.  The nurse was checking my vitals when my ears went funny.  That is the only way I can describe it is that my ears were funny.  Now in the meantime Dave had left the room to go get a snack and so it was just me and my Mom.  I was getting dizzy so I closed my eyes and said to my mom "My ears are funny."  At that point my mom came over and held my hand.  When I went to tell my mom I was dizzy I couldn't breath.  So I whispered to her "I can't breath."  It felt like I was breathing out of a straw.  I couldn't talk or breath now...so I said it again.  The nurse said "if you're talking you're breathing."  I'll never forget that because I wasn't doing either very well at that point.  Then knowing my mom would believe me I opened my eyes, looked her in the eyes and lipped to her "I can't breath."  For a split second I thought "don't close your eyes, if you close your eyes you will never wake up again."  But I couldn't help it.  At that point my eyes rolled back in my head and I flat-lined.  Elle's heart rate dropped off and I was gone.
As Dave walked back into the room he saw the nurse on top of me bagging me as they were running down the hall.
They called a code blue and rushed me in to the O.R. to get the baby out.
The hooked me up to machines to keep me breathing as they waited for a few moments for the doctor to arrive.  My doctor was at his office which was 15 minutes away when he got the call that his patient was unresponsive.  He has said that he will never forget how fast he drove.  He made it to the hospital in 4 minutes to attend to me.
Once the doctor got there they had Elle out in 45 seconds.  Elle wasn't breathing and they had to hook her up to a brief machine too.  But she came around quick but they had to keep her on oxygen.  She then developed pneumonia.
I don't remember what was going on around me because well I wasn't there really, but I remember what my spirit felt and my thoughts.  I remember praying to God "please don't let me die." and then the moment I said that I remember saying "how selfish of me. Okay God, if it's the only way Elle can live then she can take my place."  When I woke up in the O.R. I thought I had died.  But realized that I didn't.  I am so grateful to God for sparing my life so I can be a mother.
The doctor said it was a miracle that I came around so fast.
Apparently the reason the nurse thought I was okay was because she didn't know what to look for.  They had only heard of my situation happening but it was so rare that they had never seen it happen before.
Elle weighed 5 pounds 4 ounces but quickly dropped in 12 hours to 4 pounds 5 ounces.  They were going to life-flight her to a Primary Children's Hospital, but she had a turn around and they decided to keep her.  She was in the hospital for almost 2 weeks.   I got to hold Elle 4 days after she was born.  We brought her home on oxygen and she was so tiny.  I was so scared.
Although this is a frightening story I know it was supposed to happen to me.  I was supposed to learn from it.  Because of this I know that I am so grateful to be a mother, I am so grateful for the little moments in our lives.  I treasure every stage of my girls and I am honored to be given the gift of life so I can raise my girls.

I am blessed.  And so as I look back on these past 8 years I am so grateful for my beautiful sweet Elle and the blessing she is to me.

God is good, he knows what he is doing although sometimes we don't understand him.  Had it not been for this experience I'm not sure I would be the kind of mother I am.

Elle, you are a joy and blessing to me.  You are one of the sweetest little girls.  Heavenly Father is so proud of you.  You are meant to do great things.  I am blessed to be your momma.