Thursday, January 31, 2008

A very personal post...that's not so private.

(written by Kandis)

I have never blogged about anything personal, so this is a first. It's no secret that for the past year i've been publicly dealing with what I call "Ed". It was over one year ago that Kamille, my best friend forced my hand to get help. I wrote this about a year ago....and I am still feeling the same way.

"For the last while I have someone else a part of my life. Someone who really not many people knew about. His name is Ed. I hate him, but I can't seem to let him go. I dated Ed while in high school and thought I kicked him to the curb, but I guess there was unsettled feelings, and well Ed made his way back to my life.

Ed now lives with us, he sleeps in my bed with me and Dave and he is at every family function, and ever life event. Ed eats dinner with us, and most times Ed follows me to the bathroom.

Ed tells me things that I'm sure aren't true, but some how I belive him. He tells me things like "You're fat today" or "You look great today" he also tells me things like "You can't wear that shirt, you should wear this one, it makes you look thinner" Ed tells me what I can eat and what I can't. Ed tells me where I will go and where I won't.

Today Ed went with Elle and I to the mall. I got Elle some lunch there, but Ed wasn't hungry so neither could I be. Then when we left the mall Ed told me how proud he was of me, because I listen to him, and I didn't eat lunch.

Today I was going to buy a shirt at the mall, but I didn't. I like the shirt, but the size was a large and Ed thought by buying it I was saying I am a large size, so I couldn't buy the shirt...mainly cause he didn't like the tag size.

While at the mall Ed would wisper things in my ear like "Do you see her, she's fat; you don't want to look like her". he also points out all the pretty girls and how attractive they are and says things like "you are nothing until you look like them"

Ed goes with me to the gym every night. He makes me run 3 miles in 30 minutes. Any shorter then I'm a loser.

Ed eats every meal with me and says things like "I can't believe your eating're so fat."

Sometimes Ed says nice things like "You look great today, a lot better then last week." Ed also says things like "You see when you are thin people notice, and they approve. You want their approval don't you?" He also says " Your face is so much prettier now that you are thiner"

So you see not all thing said by Ed are bad, just most of them.

Ed controls my entire life. I hate Ed. I wish he were gone! I try to kick him out, but he only stays gone for a day or so..and then he sweet talks his way back into my life by saying things like. "Life is so much easier with me around." and "come back to me, I'll so you how great you can be" then there's "you see, you need me. With me in your life, people notice you."

I really do hate Ed. I want him gone. I don't know how to get rid of him, it seems the longer he's in my life the harder it is to let go of him. I'm afraid without him then I won't be what I want."

That was a year ago...and I'm still dealing with it. Many close people have told me "I'm over your Ed." THat hurts, because I can't get over it. I am still dealing with this everyday, and I need you all to not be over it...untill I'm over it. Thank you so much those of you who have shown your support and love. This is not something that will be better tomorrow, but I'm working on it. If you would like to know how you can help's this easy. Don't give up on me, when you give up...i've given up.
That's it...maybe in another year I will have more progress to tell about.


Sarah said...

I LOVE YOU. That's all I can say. You're my friend and it hurts me to see you struggle. :( You are always in my prayers...I hope you know that.

Danielle said...

Kandis -

You are an awesome woman! I am so proud of how far you've come. This has to be one of the hardest things ever - I encourage you to surround yourself with supportive people, who aren't "over it."

Here for ya, girly!


The Boys & Nat said...

You are so amazing, Kandis. Words can't describe how beautiful you are to me. You hold a special place in my heart and I've always cherished our friendship. You were always there for me when I've gone through my struggles, and in return, I hope you know I'm ALWAYS here for you. I love you.

Wayne E. Broadhead said...

We love you, Always have, Always will. No matter what.
Love, Mom and Dad B.

jeffcam said...

How in the heck are you? Long time no see. I'm so glad that you fell upon my blog page. It was Awesome to see your note. Email me sometime and lets get together.


Cute daughter :)

Love ya,