Tender Mercies.

The past week has been one of the hardest weeks I've had for a long long time.  

I don't want to go into why it's been difficult but there were moments when I didn't think I could do it.

I spent a lot of time on my knees and a lot of time pleading with the Lord.

On Wednesday I decided to go to the temple.  

There at the temple I got to experience something so special and so personal that I kinda feel forever changed.

The Lord gave me a little taste of his tender mercy that night and I knew things would be okay.

As much as it still hurts I am grateful for the Lords sweet assurance that he has never left my side and that he is there to pick up the pieces and help to put them back together again.

Although I hope to never have to relive this again and I never want to look back I am grateful for the view I can now see because of this trial.

I am grateful for Tender Mercies. 

Inspired.

I've been really down on myself lately and mostly because of my body.

The pains I feel when I think about how I look and my body are sometimes more then I think I can handle.  But then I am reminded of how blessed I am to have a body that works, that moves, that functions.  That as imperfect as it is, it's still perfect.

I watched this video and I realized that I am more blessed then I ever thought I was.  That I can embrace what God has given me and the trials I face when it comes to the emotions I deal with regarding my self image.  

I am blessed more then I know.

Watch this video...but you should grab a tissue. 

I'm A Mormon.

I have many people who read this blog who is not of my faith and I've been thinking about this post for a long time.

Recently my religion, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints also known as the Mormon Church, has had a lot of media attention because one of the front Republican Presidential candidates is a member of this faith.  Mitt Romney.  

I think what the most disheartening thing to me and many of my faith is the fact that we are called anti-christian and even members of a cult.

So I want to defuse some of these things by sharing with you my own experience and what I have grown to believe and know.

We/I believe in Jesus Christ.  He was born a baby to earthly parents. 

Jesus performed many miracles and taught many things while he walked the earth. 

The greatest of all was that of his atonement, both in the Garden and on the Cross.

He died that we all might be forgiven of our sins, he died that we might be able to live again.

Jesus then was resurrected.  

We believe in a living Christ.

We worship a living Christ.

He is our savior and redeemer and we love him.

As members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints we have faith in our Savior, we try to follow his example and live by his teachings.  Does this make us perfect? No.  But we want to become like him.  

The first principle of our faith is that we believe in God the Eternal Father, and in his Son, Jesus Christ and in the Holy Ghost. 

This is the core to our belief. 

We believe in being honest, true, chaste, benevolent, virtuous, and in doing good to all men; indeed, we may say that we follow the admonition of Paul—We believe all things, we hope all things, we have endured many things, and hope to be able to endure all things. If there is anything virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praiseworthy, we seek after these things.

I love my Savior and consider myself a Christian. 

So if you have questions on what Mitt Romney or any other member of the Mormon Church/The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints believe, ask us.   Or Check out. www.mormon.org

Vacation...Go Day.

We didn't tell our girls we were going on vacation till the night before.  I loved it!  

One reason was because every 10 hours I wasn't being asked "how many more days?"

Instead it was just a normal week.

We woke up on Saturday morning and drove to Las Vegas.  I have never really wanted to take my children to Las Vegas.  It's not like 1990 when they tried to make Vegas family friendly.  

The smoke, the gambling and the "not porn, but sure looks like porn" that litters the streets.  It's not just a great place for children.

Anyway we decided to stay off the strip at South Point.  I'm glad we did this.

We did want to take the girls to Serendipity.  It was interesting watching Elle and Ava see the slot machines.  Ava said "I want to play that game".  I had to explain to Elle exactly what they were and she didn't think that was so awesome at all.  Playing a game that you might not win or get tickets to get a prize didn't sound like any fun to her.  

Prior to our trip I bought a simple point and shoot camera.

I really didn't want to take my camera with me to Disneyland as I can't afford to lose it, have it stolen or ruined.  And plus I didn't want to have to be a photographer (as I am when I am using my camera,) instead I just wanted to be mom and not worry about getting the "perfect" shot instead I just wanted to capture the images.  

It does stink that the quality and clarity of the images are nothing like I am used to, but that's okay.  It's the memories.  

So ANYWAY we went to Serendipity and then back to our hotel and rested up for the next day.  

AND we are OFF!

Serendipity. 

Ava's Face simply explains how amazing this is.  So sweet it will put you in a comma.

YUM

Elle's Fake GLASSES

I love the dancing lights of this photo.  It's so bad that it's right. 

Ava has become quite the little poser.

Elle's DUCK FACE self portrait.  (there's many more of these)

And yes, I let  my kids jump on the bed!

God's Gift

I recently had an altercation with a person.  This person I adored when I first met but somewhere along the lines she became less sweet and her true colors started showing.

I received a extremely attacking email from her and she took some personal blows.

One thing she said to me was "you think you're Gods Gift to the world."

I was immediately offended because I have never thought I was better then anyone, or that I am the best.

I only strive to do my best.

As I was crying to a Facebook friend about that hurtful comment she said to me.

"Oh but love, You are God's Gift to the world.  He said so when he made you."

That little bit of encouragement was all I needed.

This Facebook friend I have never met, we have two different faiths and live in two different states, but she was inspired to remind me that in God's eyes I am a gift, I am a miracle.  We all are.

I will forever be grateful for that bit of inspiration.

XOXO

Struggles..will they end?!

I know I'm not alone in feeling this way, but for me I feel alone.

I am having horrible body image struggles.  I always have had body image struggles, but lately it's been really bad.

I don't know if it's because I no longer cope with these issues using eating disorder behaviors or if I really just look the way I feel.

I am approaching my two year mark of being purge free and this is huge, but with this comes more battles.  For example I am still struggling with being able to workout.

You see when I was in the depths of my eating disorder I worked out so much.  Not only did I purge my food by making myself vomit, I purged my food by exercise.  I would work out up 5 times a day.  Once when I woke up, once between breakfast and lunch, after lunch, before dinner and before I would go to bed I would go to the gym.  

Working out was just as addicting and destructive as vomiting was.

So now that I have rid myself of eating disorder behaviors I am so fearful to workout.  Somewhere in my head I link working out with that unhealthy part of my past and can't seem to get past the mental block.

I really want to be healthy.

BUT I am struggling to find a balance between being healthy in my body and not going to a place that can trigger those behaviors.  

I am not sure if you haven't gone through what I have gone through if you can fully understand what I mean by this.  It took years of therapy to rid myself of destructive behaviors and one of those was exercise, another was eliminating specific foods that were "bad" foods.     But with that has came the horrible weight gain.  The weight gain because I am no longer engaging in ed. behaviors and the fear of working out because of the triggers that could still linger.

You see I've attempted workout routines and regimens and I found myself thinking like the Kandis who was so engulfed in the eating disorder.  Immediately I wanted to not eat, or purge.  Immediately I wanted to count calories and eliminate food groups.  So I stopped working out because I felt the triggers.  But now...well I'm miserable.  Not a day doesn't go by that I don't look in the mirror and hate myself.  Not a moment doesn't pass that I am disgusted at what I look like.

I thought that getting passed this hard point in my life would allow me to accept who I am, but I'm hating myself more and more every day.

I want to look at myself in the mirror and be okay with who I am, but how can I be when I know I am unhealthy, but when the attempts to get healthy start the eating disorder triggers start?

My body hurts, seriously..hurts.  My bones ache because of the added weight.  My energy is zapped and my spirit is down.  

I'm not sure what was worse, the eating disorder or the post eating disorder body image.

Anyway I told you if I was going to start blogging again, it was going to include the good and the bad...I guess this is the latter. 

Vacation Part 1.

It's no secret I have been needing a vacation so bad.  
I honestly think with me working full-time now (yes my job with Wish is seriously full time albeit from home) It has put a little bit of a strain on my quality of life.  
So since October I've been telling Dave that we needed a vacation.
We tossed around several ideas, but we told Ava that when she was fully potty trained we would go to Disneyland.  So that is where we went.


We didn't tell the littles we were going till the night before we left.
Elle was so excited.  Ava didn't really understand. 


So last Saturday we embarked on our journey.  We decided to drive to save a little extra cash.
We drove to Vegas on Saturday and stayed at the South Point Hotel.  We didn't want to stay on the Las Vegas Strip with the kids, I'm glad we made this decision.  It is a nice hotel and to get to the rooms you don't have to go through a labyrinth of slot machines. 


When we arrived in Vegas and checked into our hotel, Dave had a little bit of homework to do.  (I can't wait till May when he is finally done with school.)
I let the girls jump on the bed, that was awesome for them.


Then we went to Serendipity 3.  I love that place.  Maybe it's just simply the Frozen Hot Chocolates that I love so much.  


Elle and Ava thought the slot machines looked like pretty fun games.  I had to explain to Elle how they work.  She didn't find it very fair that you put your money in but might not win anything. She wasn't for that. YAY!


The next morning we drove to California.


We took Elle and Ava to the American Girl Doll store in The Grove in L.A.  
It was so much fun to watch them there.  They really loved it. 


After that we went to Santa Monica and ate at Bubba Gumps.  I love that place.  
Then we let the girls play on the beach for a bit.  
The weather was so nice.


After that we drove to our hotel in Orange County.


We stayed at the Disneyland Hotel.
The girls were so excited to pull up and see everything Disney.


We were all so tired so we grabbed a bite to eat at a little New Orleans style place in Downtown Disney and then hit the sack.  We had a big day ahead of us.




I haven't uploaded all of the photos yet so you'll have to wait for that post.  For now, check out two of the cute pictures of my girls in Santa Monica. 

Family Photos

I have a hard time wanting to have any photos taken of myself since Ed.  I hate being at family functions and having pictures taken of myself.  I get so much guff from family too about it.  

Many may not understand why it is so hard for me and honestly I don't really want to get into it.  But I nearly cry every time I see myself in photographs. 

BUT I knew my family needed family photos. 

My dear friend Natalie who is a fabulous photographer too knows of my worry.

And when she asked me to photograph her family in exchange she would photograph mine I expressed my concern to her.  She was so great about really making me feel comfortable and trying to find the most flattering poses for me.

I'm grateful that she was so thoughtful to be aware of my insecurities. 

Enjoy some of my favs. 

And a big thanks to Nat.  I love ya!

A New Year

I have never been the kind of person that gets excited about a new year, mainly because closing out the previous year reminds me of the time that has gone by and how much I did not do.  It also reminds me of how fast my littles are growing.  I don't like that ONE bit.

HOWEVER I have decided I was going to embrace it this year.  I am actually excited what this year will entail.  I plan on doing a lot.  A lot with my personal life and a lot with my business.

Mainly I plain to balance both better.

I want to be a better mother to my princesses and a better business women.

I want to be a better friend and a better all round person.

I find myself getting lost in the shuffle and really I am sick of it.  So I have decided the best way to find balance is to live in the now.

Will this mean I will blog more? Who knows, but I have decided if I am going to blog it's going to be for me and nobody else.  If there are readers AWESOME...if not I don't care.  If I blog I am going to blog about whateves, and if the critics come running so be it.

I am going to try to be a better example of Christ this year too.  Elle is getting baptized this year and we have talked a lot about her taking the name of Christ on her.  It has reminded me that I've done that too and there's times that I am not such a great example of him, so as I am going to try to lead by example for my littles I must do better.

Ava started sunbeams..I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!

She loved it!

So this year is a year of progress for all of us.

Dave will graduate college (It's about TIME!)

And I am hoping to grow in my business, and my personal life.

Our family would love to grow in numbers but for now it's just us four! 

Happy 2012 everyone!

Ava.

I can't believe that Ava is already 3.  She turned 3 yesterday (December 8th).  It's so insane how fast time zooms by.  Ava is such a spit fire! And honestly when I was pregnant with her I knew she would be.  From the time I could first feel her move I knew she was a spunky, energetic little girl.

We had a birthday party for her on Sunday and it was amazing (photos to come soon).

I paid Janet to do the party for me.  All I did was dinner, she did the rest and HOLY COW she is amazing.  If you are in Utah and you need someone to do a party for you we should chat...she's stellar awesome!

Anyway back to Ava.  I love this little ray of sunshine...she makes me happy.

XOXO

My Photography Journey.

I've been wanting to write this post for some time now, but honestly things have been crazy and my thoughts have been so amazingly scattered.  Things haven't gotten less crazy or are my thoughts more organized, but I just need to write for me really.  (Maybe this will help me get back into the blog groove)

So let's go back....WAY back.

I remember senior year high school.  Mary, Grant and yours truly took a photography class together.  We made cameras out of oatmeal canisters, developed our own film, and locked ourselves in the darkroom for  the entire class period so we could sleep.  And when someone came knocking to develop their film we would  say "we can't open the door our canisters are open." This was most the time a giant fib.  We were snoozing on the floor.  However through this laziness I did find a love for taking pictures.

Moving on. {past the boring college photography course}

Shortly after me and my own Prince Charming got married I found myself with the desire to do photography again.  So I approached a talented photographer I knew just to ask if I could tag a long and learn a few things.  Well it happened to be that he needed a assistant so he hired me.
He taught me pretty much only camera basics and a little about lighting.  But mostly I was his girl on the phone covering for him why he couldn't pay his bills.  But I did learn a bit.  And I learned from a very talented photographer how to shoot with medium and large format film cameras.
However because this photographer was a crumby business man I couldn't work for him any longer.  It was the most underpaid, slave labor job of my life.  BUT like I said I did learn the essential basics..that I am grateful for.

Years went by and I still loved photography and found myself playing on Photoshop on a weekly basis, although I had NOTHING to process.  But I did.
I would delve into photography sites and wish I could be a photographer.

One Christmas Dave bought me a DSLR to replace my SLR.  I was so excited!  At this point actually being a photographer still seemed so out of reach.

Up until then I was really heavily involved with my {former} eating disorder and honestly felt like I was worthless.  I didn't think I would ever be able to do photography because too many people would pick it apart.  I was afraid to put myself out there.   So I decided just to take pictures of my girls.  On weekly basis I found myself dressing up my littles and taking pictures of them.  Then I would OVER process them in photoshop (I'm so owning up to that one.)  But as time when by I started becoming more confident in my work and in my skills that the work became better and the processing became less.

Here on this blog I got a lot of encouragement, but I was still in a place where I didn't want to be picked apart, because the worthless feeling was still so strong.
So I just day dreamed about really being a photographer.
The day dreaming got SO strong that it seemed like a reality.  So I decided to put out little feelers to see if anyone would be interested in allowing me to take their photos.

I would be lying if I said the first batch was amazing.  OH NO THEY WEREN'T! Holy cow I had a long way to go.  However I knew how to work my camera, and I knew how to focus.  But I didn't know much about lighting.  And I tried to fix everything in Photoshop.
BUT I kept shooting and shooting and shooting.  And I told myself that EVERY day I would need to work on it and learn something new.  And this is what I did.  And this is what I still do.

So as time went on my work got better and better.  I started having people...STRANGERS...ask for advice and tips.  I found this crazy because I was just learning myself.  But then I realized that I knew what they were asking because I was forcing myself to learn.
So I would kindly give them the info I knew.
THEN I had them asking for help with their own work.
I enjoyed helping others and teaching others.  I've always felt very comfortable being in a teaching position.
But as I progressed I would get down on myself thinking that I wasn't any good because I wasn't as busy as other photographers or hadn't booked oodles of weddings or shoots for that matter.
And then I realized what my calling was.  My calling as a photographer was to help others to become great photographers and as I did this I would become better myself.

And with this I have met so many amazing people and been able to teach what I know to women around the country and globe.  I am so grateful for the knowledge that my calling as a photographer isn't just for myself that it's for others.

So as I'm standing here in the now I marvel at where I've come in the time that I have.  And although it may be boastful I am proud of myself.

Photography has allowed me to not focus on my imperfections, those imperfections that really drove me to such an unhealthy place and eventually to an eating disorder.  Instead photography has allowed me to focus on a talent my Heavenly Father has given me.  And he has given me this talent to help others develop theirs too.

Not a day goes by that I don't want to encourage and help others to reach their full potential.  This is so rewarding to me.

I am grateful for my amazingly supportive husband who encourages me to become better every day.  And every day I see that I did something better then the day before.

My journey has been amazing and I can't wait to see where I go from here.

When I decided to start.  OH brother...{hanging head shamefully}

When I decided to start {these are so hard for me to look at}

Now we are talking!

Much better.

So my message to all you who are just starting out doing something you enjoy but may become discouraged with is to not give up.  To keep learning, and keep working.  If it's your calling to do whatever it is, You will be able to do it with!

Taking A Beating.

Over the last two weeks I've really taken a beating from internet onlookers.

I've been tempted to delete my blog because of it.

{sigh}

Anyway, here's a few photos I did of Ava.

I love my Job

Not only do I love my job being a momma to the two most beautiful little girls ever, but I love my job as a photographer.

It's amazing to me how much I've grown in the last year and a half.  

I seriously work on my craft EVERY DAY!

And I think...actually I know this is what and why I have grown so much and honestly become very successful.  

I never in a million years thought I would be so blessed like this.

I am a picky photographer and will only photograph that which I want to.

And by doing this, it has allowed me to really narrow down what type of a photographer I want to be AND has allowed me to shoot what I want to shoot.  

I really enjoy teaching photographers.  For years I read and studied, and practiced all the basics of photography.  

I was fortunate enough to work with a photographer shortly after Dave and I got married and he taught me a bit, then I grew from there.

With my knowledge and my distinct style I have been able to teach other photographers who enjoy my work.

This past July I held my first Wish Retreat.  A photographer retreat.

It was 3 days long and it was a blast.

I rented a cabin up near Park City.  

I planned shoots and taught editing classes and we chatted about business.

I had women come from all over.  Two came from Louisiana and one came from Canada.  Then I had women from all of the state of Utah; from Price and Vernal, Tooele, South Jordan and Saint George.

These women are now my life long friends and I am so blessed to have been able to met them.

I already have my 2012 retreat halfway booked and I'm thrilled.

With that enjoy some fun photos from retreat.

XOXO