Thursday, June 28, 2012

Elle's turning 8.

I can't believe my Elle will be 8 years old in a few weeks.  It makes me sad.
I have really enjoyed every stage of her life.  I just look back at how fast these last 8 years have gone and I get sad.  I get sad because I imagine in another 8 years she will be 16.  She will be going on her first date and driving a car.  Then in 8 more years she could be married and have a family of her own and well if I'm honest I don't want that to happen.  Not that I don't want to EVER happen, I just want to shelter her and protect her and keep her little for as long as I can.
She is such a joy to me and our family and I feel so blessed.

Elle has decided to be baptized a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints when she turns 8.  It's something she wants to do and we have talked to her about.   She really is understanding what it means to be baptized and she is excited to be a member.  But for me it is hard.
Don't get me wrong I am so thrilled she wants to get baptized but I am sad because now she gets to make the choice for herself.  It means she's accountable.  I don't want her to be accountable yet.
I want her to stay little forever.

I really have enjoyed all the stages of her life and I need to enjoy this stage too.

I was reading in my journal about Elle's birth story the other day after talking to my Mother-In-Law about it and I realized what a complete miracle Elle's life is and that I was given the second chance too.
I can't imagine what she would have gone through if I would have died.  That is heartbreaking for me to think about but I would like to share it with those who really have never heard the story.

We have infertility and have had to go through treatments to get both of our girls and so that's where it starts.  It was a tough road to get pregnant with Elle, but we were so excited when we found out we were.  We were building our home and now a new baby, life was bliss.
At week 28 I was diagnosed with preeclampsia and ordered to bed rest for the remainder of my pregnancy.  Let's face it, it was horrible.  My blood pressure was sky high so my doctor admitted me to the hospital.  He was just going to keep me in the hospital until my due date (I was 35 weeks) but decided that he needed to induce me anyway.
So the next day they started me into labor.  Well my labor was slow but painful.  So they decided to give me my epidural early.  It was bliss.
BUT come 8:00pm it was wearing off and I could feel the contractions on my left side and the self doses weren't working.  So I called the nurse in and the anesthesiologist came in to give me more medication.

The anesthesiologist gave me a direct dose into the line as well as filled the bag with the epidural medication and left.  The nurse was checking my vitals when my ears went funny.  That is the only way I can describe it is that my ears were funny.  Now in the meantime Dave had left the room to go get a snack and so it was just me and my Mom.  I was getting dizzy so I closed my eyes and said to my mom "My ears are funny."  At that point my mom came over and held my hand.  When I went to tell my mom I was dizzy I couldn't breath.  So I whispered to her "I can't breath."  It felt like I was breathing out of a straw.  I couldn't talk or breath I said it again.  The nurse said "if you're talking you're breathing."  I'll never forget that because I wasn't doing either very well at that point.  Then knowing my mom would believe me I opened my eyes, looked her in the eyes and lipped to her "I can't breath."  For a split second I thought "don't close your eyes, if you close your eyes you will never wake up again."  But I couldn't help it.  At that point my eyes rolled back in my head and I flat-lined.  Elle's heart rate dropped off and I was gone.
As Dave walked back into the room he saw the nurse on top of me bagging me as they were running down the hall.
They called a code blue and rushed me in to the O.R. to get the baby out.
The hooked me up to machines to keep me breathing as they waited for a few moments for the doctor to arrive.  My doctor was at his office which was 15 minutes away when he got the call that his patient was unresponsive.  He has said that he will never forget how fast he drove.  He made it to the hospital in 4 minutes to attend to me.
Once the doctor got there they had Elle out in 45 seconds.  Elle wasn't breathing and they had to hook her up to a brief machine too.  But she came around quick but they had to keep her on oxygen.  She then developed pneumonia.
I don't remember what was going on around me because well I wasn't there really, but I remember what my spirit felt and my thoughts.  I remember praying to God "please don't let me die." and then the moment I said that I remember saying "how selfish of me. Okay God, if it's the only way Elle can live then she can take my place."  When I woke up in the O.R. I thought I had died.  But realized that I didn't.  I am so grateful to God for sparing my life so I can be a mother.
The doctor said it was a miracle that I came around so fast.
Apparently the reason the nurse thought I was okay was because she didn't know what to look for.  They had only heard of my situation happening but it was so rare that they had never seen it happen before.
Elle weighed 5 pounds 4 ounces but quickly dropped in 12 hours to 4 pounds 5 ounces.  They were going to life-flight her to a Primary Children's Hospital, but she had a turn around and they decided to keep her.  She was in the hospital for almost 2 weeks.   I got to hold Elle 4 days after she was born.  We brought her home on oxygen and she was so tiny.  I was so scared.
Although this is a frightening story I know it was supposed to happen to me.  I was supposed to learn from it.  Because of this I know that I am so grateful to be a mother, I am so grateful for the little moments in our lives.  I treasure every stage of my girls and I am honored to be given the gift of life so I can raise my girls.

I am blessed.  And so as I look back on these past 8 years I am so grateful for my beautiful sweet Elle and the blessing she is to me.

God is good, he knows what he is doing although sometimes we don't understand him.  Had it not been for this experience I'm not sure I would be the kind of mother I am.

Elle, you are a joy and blessing to me.  You are one of the sweetest little girls.  Heavenly Father is so proud of you.  You are meant to do great things.  I am blessed to be your momma.


Danielle said...

wow, that brought tears to my eyes. i had no idea. how scary!!!

Sandra LoCastro said...

We never know what is in store for us and why. But you were spared to give this young lady a great example. But you also appreciate the gift more. Congratulations Elle on your baptism.

Marinda said...

we're so blessed to have you two in our lives too! elle is such a sweetie, she melts my heart when i see her being so kind to others (and she does it a lot). you are amazing with your photography, craft, and cooking skills! wish you could send a little bit of that my way....

Kacee said...

This made me cry. On July 3rd at 23 weeks we found out at our anatomy ultrasound we were pregnant with twins and on July 6th I went into preterm labor and delivered our sons. They were too early to survive and we only got an hour with them.

My husband has said so many times, "I am so thankful you are still here and okay" but I have thought to myself, like you, I would trade myself for those little babies.

We will eventually try to get pregnant again and I am worried I won't be able to enjoy my pregnancy because I will be nervous about what happened this time. I have to use this as a lesson, like you... I will be so happy and cherish every moment with him or her. It's so easy to take life for granted sometimes.

God bless you and Elle.