In the Road.

I don't know how many times I have learned this, but it happens often to me.  Many times when I am feeling down and defeated God puts people in my road to lift me up. 
I am so humbled by the outpouring of love I have received in the last few days. 

Yesterday I opened my email to this and it warmed my heart and filled my soul. 

Kandis, 
I know you probably get a million e-mails a day, but I still wanted to send you one to let you know how moved and inspired I was by your blog. Your photography is beautiful and stunning and you can tell through your art and your words in your blog that you really worked hard to get where you are today. But it was your blog that I really found moving. You're so incredibly open and honest with your stuggles and your accomplishments. I am a very new fan to your page but last night I found myself going through pages and pages of your blog. I came across your most recent blog today about your personal photographs and I wanted to say you look STUNNING. I don't know you personally but through your words you seem to be a beautiful person, inside and out. I am just starting out in photography and am so happy to have found your blog and your fan page. I look forward to following your photography and personal journey. I know the internet can be a nasty place where people are not always kind, so for what it is worth, I think you are beautiful and that your love for helping others, being happy and having a good spirit really do make you one of a kind. 
I look forward to buying your awesome actions next month for my birthday as well! So thank you in advance for helping me with my business, by creating these actions for others!!
You rock, don't ever change,

Meghan

I am grateful for the people people who 'go for it' and play chicken with you...standing in your road and brings you to a stop...allowing you to realize that what you are doing is noticed and they care. 

I am grateful for those who have taken the time to send me words of encouragement and love.  For those who care enough to let me know. 

Over the last 4 days I really thought about quitting my business.  I thought, "is this worth it? All that it ever seems is that I can't do enough good."  But then God sends me people to remind me that I am doing enough. 

I feel bad.

Last night I got a email. It was from a Facebook fan of mine who I have never met.
I have had communications with this fan in the past and she was very vocal on my page for awhile.

In this email she expressed how I have wronged her.

I don't want to go into the particulars of the email, however I do have a few thing I wanted to blog about.

In my years I have never intentionally meant to 'blow' anyone off,  to forget about someone, to come across uncaring or cold.  I have made mistakes personally and professionally.  Do I mean to?  No.  Am I human? Yes.
Every day I ask myself "how can I do better today?"  I know I fail at this.

I have to admit that I didn't follow through with one thing that I told this person I would do, and there is seriously no good reason other then I am lame I guess.  I have had great intentions on doing so but this summer I just wasn't moving at a good pace.

Sometimes as humans we let other people down with no good explanation why, but that doesn't mean we have some personal agenda or some personal vendetta.

To all those who I have let down, I am sorry.
I shouldn't put that much on my plate that it falls through the cracks.

I am not the type of person to want to get into confrontation or to hurt peoples feelings and if I have done that to you know that I my intentions really do come from a good place and I don't venture into something wanting to let you down.

I feel bad I have let so many people down.
It seems I fail more times then I don't.

Me.

Back in July my friend Camilla did some photographs for me.  I will tell you it's extremely awkward for me to be in front of the camera.  Although it was fun, I think I will stay behind the camera.

Here's some of my favorites. 

Jealousy

I have many personality traits that makes me unique.  I am loyal, friendly, talkative, outgoing, funny (so I think), caring, compassionate, and so many more.....one the one trait I want to talk about today that I find so me and so horrible is I am a jealous person!  I KNOW RIGHT?! IT'S SO BAD!

There is a photographer and I really enjoy looking at her work, but I'm not jealous of her work.  It's not my style and I don't want to photograph the way she does....but I am so stinking jealous of her I can't stand it.

And honestly it's pretty pathetic.  Because I don't think we would ever be friends in real life.  (We are Facebook friends) I find the stuff she posts kinda off putting and self centered, BUT I ENVY IT!
I envy the people she hangs out with, the food she eats, the clothes she wears.  It's bad!
I think why I think it's so bad because she drives me insane with her self worship, but it is so captivating.

I did meet her once and she didn't give me the time of day.  I wanted to shout.  "DUDE, WE ARE FACEBOOK FRIENDS, ACKNOWLEDGE ME WITH AT LEAST A HEAD NOD!" But of course I didn't.  Instead I gushed to my other friends about how much that drove me insane.  BUT her life seems like everything.
Her life seems so fabulous, so awesome, so beautiful, so EVERYTHING.
Why am I so jealous?
I have a great life.
I know I know, I shouldn't feel this way.

Please say I am not the only one with serious jealousy issues.

Facebook Spy

One thing I don't love so much is a Facebook Spy.
This is what I mean by a Facebook Spy.

You friend me on Facebook.  We never talk...that's okay, yet I see all your status' and you see mine.
I notice your life, because well it is somewhat amusing and I honestly notice people.
Then one day I see a post and the the next moment I go looking for it again only to realize that you have now blocked me from seeing your posts, pictures, wall, etc in your privacy settings (just so you know I am kinda Nancy Drew and know things like this).  But yet we are still friends.  THIS IS A FACEBOOK SPY.  You don't want someone to see what you are up to, but you're not really wanting to de-friend because well you are a spy.

Yeah this bothers me.

If you want to be my friend on Facebook, I welcome you (if you're not a creeper) but if you only want to be my friend to spy on my life and have no interest in allowing me to see what is going on in yours...well then I don't really think we should be Facebook friends.

The end.

Beaten Down

I have felt pretty beaten down over the last 3 days.  My soul has felt crushed and I have felt that I have nothing more to offer. 

But through it all I know that God is sending messages to me to know that I am not as worthless as I feel. 

I met up with my dear friend Christina who lives in Hawaii.  She is here visiting.  I did a session with her and I took this image. 

My heart is so full with the feedback I have gotten from it.  On Facebook this photo has been viewed almost 80,000 times.  It has over 3,000 likes and over 800 positive comments. 

The comments are so meaningful and thoughtful.  This image is touching peoples hearts and lives and it makes me think that even though I am going through a rough patch feeling unwanted, and worthless, that something I am doing is touching souls around the world. 

Hurt

Today I feel sad, hurt, ugly.
I thought things were going so good oh how I have been foolish.

I am not sure I will ever be good enough, thin enough, pretty enough.

Don't tell me that those who love me the most don't care, that's a lie.

I would rather not be alive then feel so heartbroken, beaten down and empty.

I don't know how to go on like this.  IS it worth it?

{cryptic? possibly.   Do I care?  No}