A Good Show

I was able to go out with my best friend Heather this past weekend for a girls night away.  We had such a fun time.  We stayed in a hotel, went to dinner (and lunch), went shopping, went to a movie and really just laughed.  But in this time we also had some pretty in depth conversations too.  I was talking to her about how I feel so horrible about myself and she was telling me things like "I always think you look so great" and "I've always admired how happy you are".  All I could say back is "Maybe I just put on a good show".  I do feel like I am a naturally happy person, but I don't understand how I can be so 'happy' when I am not happy.  Am I just a really good actress that even I believe the play or is this just natural?
When I was in therapy I had someone to talk about my feelings with, and now all I have is my blog.
So if any of you still read this...do you think it's natural to be a happy person but not be happy with who you are?

Not FITTING In.

I know I've talked about it before, but I am really struggling with body image.

I remember sitting with my former therapist Michelle as I was a few months away from wrapping up my treatment and talking about body image with her.  She gave me this warning.  "Kandis, it might not ever come (referring to accepting my body) if it doesn't will you be okay with it?"  I remember saying to her, "I don't know."  Then a month or so later I told her "I don't care if my body is perfect anymore, I just want to be able to be healthy and look in the mirror and be okay with who I see."  Well I am not okay with what I see.  2 years, 2 Months and 4 days ago was the last time I purged.  Yesterday was the first day I said out loud to Dave, I just want to purge again.  The only time I've ever been skinny was when I was purging.  

I hate the way I feel, I hate that my body looks the way it does.  I hate that I am the heaviest I've ever been.  I hate that my body aches when I try to do things I used to do.  I hate that my body aches just walking.  I hate that one of the only reasons I want to have a baby is so I can have an excuse for my body. 

I hate that Ava tells my my belly is big.  I hate that I am envious of my friends.  I hate having to meet new clients because I am afraid of them judging me.  I hate my body. 

The feelings I am having right now are the same feelings I had when I turned to purging years ago.  

Maybe putting this out there will stop me, maybe not.  I don't know.  Where is the magic wand to make it better?  

Lifetime Movie Network = No Sleep

If there is one thing I am it's a night owl.  I work late to get business done, but last night was different.  I had to batch some photos for the web so once I got that started all I could do is wait for them to get done.

So I got comfy on my couch and watch a movie that was on Lifetime.

I shouldn't have done that.

While the movie was interesting and I enjoyed it, it kept my mind active.

When I decided it was probably time to go to bed, albeit 1:00am, my mind was still kinda racing.

So I laid there and listened to the sounds in my house for a minute thinking I would hear a rhythm that would eventually allow me to fall asleep.  NOPE.  So then I started counting backwards from 100, I would get to 70 and forget stop counting every time because my mind started thinking about the movie again.  So I would start over.   I restarted 5 times. 

Then I decided that I would focus on breathing.  I listened to my breathing only to find that it was not soothing, but annoying.  So what do you think I did?  I went back to the couch and turned on another Lifetime Movie, this time it worked....I conked out.  The next thing I know is I am back in my bed.  I must have subconsciously went back to my room.

Morning came all too soon and I realize how lame I am to stay up so late as I have no time to rest.  But like I always say "I can sleep when I'm dead." 

I am who I am.

I find myself trying so hard to impress people who will never acknowledge me allowing me to give myself the chance to impress them.  That's a character flaw that I am pretty sure I will never change.
I've tried many times to do it, and you know what? Over and over again I find myself doing it again.
I find myself in the depths of trying to impress those who don't know I exist or that don't even have any interest in me.
I think that is my blogging problem.  I feel as if I should only blog things that are of interest or that will spark people to comment.  I feel as if I should only put out there what I want to impress people with, but behind all this I just want to post how I feel and not to suppress all that I really am.
We all want to be validated and that is my biggest character flaw, I NEED to be validated.  
Unfortunately this is my down fall, this is my biggest weakness.
I find myself wanting to invest in friendships that have no loyalty or real reason to invest in me.
I find myself wanting to impress those who don't impress easy. 
I find myself not showing all the little things that really makes me, me.
I have been so worried with how others would perceive me that I feel that I am really not being authentic.


Yes I know; like I said, this is a character flaw.  But I figure the only way to fix it is to try a little harder to be me authentically and I will grow to love me more and not need the validation of others to feel of worth.

Indulge

I'm not going to lie, I like to indulge in some pretty frivolous things.  For examples, baths.  Seriously.  I love me a good bath.  I will spend money on pretty perfumed bubbles, and bath salts, and bath bombs and  creams, and scrubs.  I enjoy soaking in a hot bath with a book and my bubbles. 

I find no shame in admitting that it's one of my indulgences. 

Maybe this is because baths are some of the only alone time I can get.

I think it's good for the soul to have something that you can indulge in that may seem frivolous but makes you feel good.  For me, it's a bath.  

Now totally off that subject here's a few recent photos of my littles. 

I had to take some photos of this little romper Ava is wearing for a boutique designer and I attempted it 3 times with Ava and she hated it.  So I had to bribe her with a trip to build a bear.  Well It worked. 

The pictures of Elle, well she got grounded and part of her "punishment" was I needed to take some photos of this dress for a boutique and I didn't want to hear her complain.  

Both tactics worked. 

I'm a mean mom!