Monday, April 30, 2012

A Good Show

I was able to go out with my best friend Heather this past weekend for a girls night away.  We had such a fun time.  We stayed in a hotel, went to dinner (and lunch), went shopping, went to a movie and really just laughed.  But in this time we also had some pretty in depth conversations too.  I was talking to her about how I feel so horrible about myself and she was telling me things like "I always think you look so great" and "I've always admired how happy you are".  All I could say back is "Maybe I just put on a good show".  I do feel like I am a naturally happy person, but I don't understand how I can be so 'happy' when I am not happy.  Am I just a really good actress that even I believe the play or is this just natural?
When I was in therapy I had someone to talk about my feelings with, and now all I have is my blog.
So if any of you still read you think it's natural to be a happy person but not be happy with who you are?


Danielle said...

someone very close to me has said these exact same things to me. low self-esteem sucks. i'm sorry you deal with it, i agree with heather, i never would think that about you.

i think we all 'fake it til we make it' at different points. and i also think, when you're with friends, and doing something you love, you can still be a happy person and not necessarily be faking it.

have you considered seeing someone again? have i already asked you this? anyway, i'm sorry! hang in there! the lord has a plan for you, you've gotta know that!

Mandi said...

I have felt this way most of my life as well. I am not a happy person inside but people always tell me I am so bubbly and fun and happy all the time when inside I really am not. I have been struggling just like you. How do you get out of the rut? I think you are amazing and you are such a strong person for going through all of these trials and I am so glad that you are sharing them with us. I think we can all learn from others experiences.

Mary Ann Carlile said...

Abso-freakin-lutely. I have never been happy with myself. And I'm willing to bet I won't be until I'm old and wrinkled - and maybe not even then. I get what you're saying totally. Can we find the remedy to this together?!