I know I've talked about it before, but I am really struggling with body image.
I remember sitting with my former therapist Michelle as I was a few months away from wrapping up my treatment and talking about body image with her. She gave me this warning. "Kandis, it might not ever come (referring to accepting my body) if it doesn't will you be okay with it?" I remember saying to her, "I don't know." Then a month or so later I told her "I don't care if my body is perfect anymore, I just want to be able to be healthy and look in the mirror and be okay with who I see." Well I am not okay with what I see. 2 years, 2 Months and 4 days ago was the last time I purged. Yesterday was the first day I said out loud to Dave, I just want to purge again. The only time I've ever been skinny was when I was purging.
I hate the way I feel, I hate that my body looks the way it does. I hate that I am the heaviest I've ever been. I hate that my body aches when I try to do things I used to do. I hate that my body aches just walking. I hate that one of the only reasons I want to have a baby is so I can have an excuse for my body.
I hate that Ava tells my my belly is big. I hate that I am envious of my friends. I hate having to meet new clients because I am afraid of them judging me. I hate my body.
The feelings I am having right now are the same feelings I had when I turned to purging years ago.
Maybe putting this out there will stop me, maybe not. I don't know. Where is the magic wand to make it better?