Tuesday, April 24, 2012


I know I've talked about it before, but I am really struggling with body image.
I remember sitting with my former therapist Michelle as I was a few months away from wrapping up my treatment and talking about body image with her.  She gave me this warning.  "Kandis, it might not ever come (referring to accepting my body) if it doesn't will you be okay with it?"  I remember saying to her, "I don't know."  Then a month or so later I told her "I don't care if my body is perfect anymore, I just want to be able to be healthy and look in the mirror and be okay with who I see."  Well I am not okay with what I see.  2 years, 2 Months and 4 days ago was the last time I purged.  Yesterday was the first day I said out loud to Dave, I just want to purge again.  The only time I've ever been skinny was when I was purging.  
I hate the way I feel, I hate that my body looks the way it does.  I hate that I am the heaviest I've ever been.  I hate that my body aches when I try to do things I used to do.  I hate that my body aches just walking.  I hate that one of the only reasons I want to have a baby is so I can have an excuse for my body. 
I hate that Ava tells my my belly is big.  I hate that I am envious of my friends.  I hate having to meet new clients because I am afraid of them judging me.  I hate my body. 
The feelings I am having right now are the same feelings I had when I turned to purging years ago.  
Maybe putting this out there will stop me, maybe not.  I don't know.  Where is the magic wand to make it better?  


Mary said...

I Know nothing I could say would make you change your mind. But just know that I love you and think you are beautiful.

Danielle said...

I don't know what to say either. Can you call that therapist? Is there anything you can do to help with the aches and pains and stuff? You seem so busy all the time with photography, and your kids. And life. Is there a water aerobics or Zumba class (the fun ways to exercise, IMO) that you'd want to take, just for YOU time? I'm thinking of you!

The Wonderful World of Wampler said...

Dear Friend,

You can do this...you have been so strong. I hate that you are going through this, if it helps I do not think you are alone with the way you feel about your body. I think as women, we all have moments like the ones you just wrote about. You are strong Kandis. You are a mother to two beautiful little girls that love you (no matter what size of shape you are) You are a wife to a loving, kind Priesthood holder that loves you very much as well. You are amazing and I wish I had 1/2 of your photography talents. I know it's hard to do, but try to focus on the things you do like about your body. (like your amazing smile, and beautiful eyes) I love you Kandis. Hang in there and remember you can do hard things :) ((HUGS))

mh said...

I am thinking about you. I will send prayers your way. You have gone over 2 years! That is amazing! You can do it! You are beautiful! Very beautiful, and very talented, and a wonderful mother and wife and friend and person.
I don't know if this will help, but think of your girls. That is what I try to do. What would they think if they knew you wanted to purge? How would you feel if it was them in a few years with the same struggles. You have to show them you are beautiful for the right reasons. It isn't easy! But you are strong! You can do it. We are all here to rally you on and aid where we can.

Heidi said...

You and I need to go jogging/walking/sweating as if we went jogging but actually just walked up hill/anything. I tried to go jogging past your house just the other day and thought of you. You're not alone. I battle with purging and starving myself. I HATE the way I look and always have. I don't want any of my wedding pictures to be anything but headshots because I literally looked pregnant that day. My daughter comes up to me and sings, "jiggly butt, jiggly boobs, jiggly legs" to me almost every day. I hate that I struggle with this. Want to do something about it with me? I'd love a partner in the later evenings around 7 or 8.