Sunday, January 15, 2012

Struggles..will they end?!

I know I'm not alone in feeling this way, but for me I feel alone.

I am having horrible body image struggles.  I always have had body image struggles, but lately it's been really bad.
I don't know if it's because I no longer cope with these issues using eating disorder behaviors or if I really just look the way I feel.

I am approaching my two year mark of being purge free and this is huge, but with this comes more battles.  For example I am still struggling with being able to workout.
You see when I was in the depths of my eating disorder I worked out so much.  Not only did I purge my food by making myself vomit, I purged my food by exercise.  I would work out up 5 times a day.  Once when I woke up, once between breakfast and lunch, after lunch, before dinner and before I would go to bed I would go to the gym.  
Working out was just as addicting and destructive as vomiting was.

So now that I have rid myself of eating disorder behaviors I am so fearful to workout.  Somewhere in my head I link working out with that unhealthy part of my past and can't seem to get past the mental block.

I really want to be healthy.

BUT I am struggling to find a balance between being healthy in my body and not going to a place that can trigger those behaviors.  

I am not sure if you haven't gone through what I have gone through if you can fully understand what I mean by this.  It took years of therapy to rid myself of destructive behaviors and one of those was exercise, another was eliminating specific foods that were "bad" foods.     But with that has came the horrible weight gain.  The weight gain because I am no longer engaging in ed. behaviors and the fear of working out because of the triggers that could still linger.
You see I've attempted workout routines and regimens and I found myself thinking like the Kandis who was so engulfed in the eating disorder.  Immediately I wanted to not eat, or purge.  Immediately I wanted to count calories and eliminate food groups.  So I stopped working out because I felt the triggers.  But now...well I'm miserable.  Not a day doesn't go by that I don't look in the mirror and hate myself.  Not a moment doesn't pass that I am disgusted at what I look like.
I thought that getting passed this hard point in my life would allow me to accept who I am, but I'm hating myself more and more every day.

I want to look at myself in the mirror and be okay with who I am, but how can I be when I know I am unhealthy, but when the attempts to get healthy start the eating disorder triggers start?

My body hurts, seriously..hurts.  My bones ache because of the added weight.  My energy is zapped and my spirit is down.  

I'm not sure what was worse, the eating disorder or the post eating disorder body image.

Anyway I told you if I was going to start blogging again, it was going to include the good and the bad...I guess this is the latter. 

1 comment:

The Barnum Family said...

Oh Kandis! This post makes me hurt for you. Maybe you could work on slowly adding some activity into your day such as simply going for a walk or maybe playing a really active game with your girls or take them swimming or something. Perhaps this way you wouldn't feel like you're getting into a regimen as much as you might if you were doing a workout DVD or attending a class or going to the gym, but you'd still get some of the health and mood benefits of some physical activity. .
I have body image issues as well, although I haven't been where you've been with ED and those struggles. I find that getting some form of exercise heightens my mood and makes me feel more attractive, even if I haven't lost a pound in the last year.
Just remember how far you've come and focus on all of the wonderful things about yourself, such as your humor, your photography, your passion for life, etc. Remember, if you beat ED, you can do anything!